Child Abuse Leading To Domestic Violence

This is part one in a series I am doing on Child Abuse and Domestic Violence. It is a very personal and painful topic for me, however I feel it is best to get the information out. This is my way of helping.

Below is the standard disclaimer I will be using for all hubs in this series. Most, but not all, of the information in the disclaimer will be true for every article. 

As part of this series:

This hub is definitely going to touch some nerves, and may be triggering for people with certain emotional conditions, including those who have survived child abuse and/or domestic violence. In this hub, I explore my own childhood, as well as things I have experienced in relationships up to and including my marriage. I also look at examples of some of my friends, people I grew up with, and the current school of thought in the psychological community.

This hub may contain graphic descriptions of things that people I know have gone through, and may include harsh images. I recommend that any children reading this hub either STOP NOW or ASK A PARENT/TRUSTED ADULT TO READ WITH YOU.

Educators who wish to use this material in the classroom, nonprofit organizations dealing with domestic violence and child abuse, and other persons who wish to use this hub are invited to contact me and I will provide you with the material, as well as any of my other writings on the topic that you may be interested in.

As always you can contact me:

Via email:anmeya [dot] diamond [at] gmail [dot] com (Sorry for mangling my email address, I recently had to change it due to spam and I don't want the same fate to become my new email address!)

Twitter: Suiiki

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/#/profile.php?ref=profile&id=691954541

You can also view my blogs at:

http://normal-is-a-sociological-construct.blogspot.com/

http://writingwithwater.blogspot.com/

Thank you, please read on with caution and an open mind willing to learn.

It only takes a quick google search to find photos of children who have been horrifically beaten. We all know that children are abused all the time. We all know that in millions of homes, violence between family members is as normal as taking a shower. We all know that this isn't the way things should be.

There are hundreds of agencies out there that provide help to people who are currently in abusive situations. But is there any help for people who have already survived, those who should be safe from their torment?

There really isn't much.

Why would a survivor need help, though? Why would someone who has already gotten out of a bad situation need further support?

The answer is simple: Abuse leave mental scars and injuries that can last a lifetime. The scars can mean a number of things for both the survivor, and the people that the survivor associates with in the future.

Child abuse survivors are more likely to get into a domestic violence situation in their future romantic relationships. They are more likely to become so dependent on the person they are seeing romantically, that they find themselves in a situation they cannot get out of.

However, it is also more likely that an abuse survivor will someday become and abuser themselves. This goes for both men and women.

For the protection of those involved, I will be using first names only in the following stories, and at times, I may change the name of the person completely.

Case number one: Emily.

Emily and I went to high school together. Well, actually we met when we were 12, but I switched schools, and we didn't see each other again until we were in grade 11 together. She had been raped repeatedly by her cousin and his friend between the ages of six and 14 (I did not know this until she was 16 and I was 17.) Emily's mother liked to drag her into any argument she ever had with anyone. Emily's mother also beat her for nothing at all, and often refused Emily medical treatment when she needed it. The example of this that sticks out most in my mind is when we were in grade 6, not long after we first met. Emily fell down the stairs at school and cut her forehead very badly. The school nurse sent her home, and advised her mother that Emily should go to the emergency room and get stitches. The next day, Emily was back at school. She didn't have stitches, or even a bandage on the cut. Her mother had not taken her to the hospital, or even made a doctor's appointment for her to get checked out. She had random dizzy spells for quite a while after, no doubt from the fact that sh had landed on her face and slid down the remaining stairs. Still her mother refused to take her to the hospital.

After these years of emotional and physical abuse, and neglect of her medical needs, Emily had an emotional breakdown and her father took her to a mental health clinic, where she was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. At age 17 Emily got married, only to find herself in an abusive relationship with her new husband, who was addicted to drugs and alcohol. They divorced less than a year later. Emily now knew that she had a thyroid disorder and a learning disability, and I believe that last I heard, she had been tentatively diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder. She is NOT bipolar. She has been in and out of bad relationships ever since I have known her, and shows no signs of improvement. Unfortunately, she has made no effort to contact me in almost a year (Though I have repeatedly made it known to her that I am available to talk if she wants to.)

Case Number 2: John

I met John when I was in grade 11 and he was in grade 12. I don't know all the details, but I do know that he was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused from an early age. When I met him, he was in and out of a relationship with a girl who perpetuated the emotional and sexual abuse. John was much more emotionally affected by his upbringing than he let on, and this made him unable to maintain the few good relationships I ever saw him in. he pushed the girls away while I watched, unable to help. His weakness lead him to misunderstand the intentions of nice girls to the point that he became emotionally abusive himself in an attempt to get the girls to react, until eventually he pushed them away entirely and went back to his abusive girlfriend. None of John's friends from school, including myself, have heard from him since early 2008.

Case Number 3: Amy

Amy and I met when I was 15. Amy had been emotionally abused since she was a child, as well as having been bullied at school. Now, Amy suffers from sever emotional issues that make her feel like she doesn't deserve to be loved or respected, and it affects her marriage, even now that she is 25. She becomes very negative at seemingly random times, both towards herself and others. She has gone as far as to become physically violent in an attempt to make people hate her, because she feels she deserves it.

Case Number 4: Michelle.

Yes, this is my case. I was physically and emotional abused since shortly after I began grade school.My full story is reserved for another hub. Even to this day, I often feel much like Amy does at times - like I am worthless and undeserving of love or companionship. As much as I try to control myself, I sometimes fly off the handle and become both verbally and physically violent, usually as a result of something someone else has said or done that has "triggered" me into believing that I have to protect myself...Or even into believing what my father so clearly believed: That the only way to get someone's attention is to either degrade them verbally, or to hit them with something.

The lasting problems from surviving child abuse can be worked through, to an extent. However, the survivor has to be willing to seek help. Usually the former victims don't realize that they need help for the way they acting until it is too late. However, continued counseling and treatment of any emotional disorders can usually stop a violence cycle in its tracks...if it is begun early enough. It is also important that the survivors of child abuse do not use their status or emotional conditions as an excuse. They must realize that their behaviour is just as inappropriate as it was when someone else was doing it.

But are we ever really going to see an awareness campaign that advocates help for people who are supposed to have already "healed"? Once a child abuse survivor becomes and abuser, is there any help for them to stop? Are there programs out there that help abusers get treatment for their issues? Or are we doomed to be condemned for our behaviour, even if we seek help in trying to stop?