Reviving the Romance After Trauma

In this hub, I'll be focusing on women, simply because, as a woman, this is what I have the most experience with. I am aware that men can also have trauma that affects their willingness and ability to be intimate, however I want to do some more research on this before I make a hub dealing with men's issues. Some of the information in this hub is relevant to transmen and transwomen as well, particularly in the emotional and psychological trauma section, and I hope that later I will be able to publish a hub focusing specifically on the issues of sexuality with regards to transpeople.

There are many things that a person can experience that would cause physical injury, and of those, there are some that are specific to gynecological injury. Obviously rape applies to both female and male anatomy, and can lead to psychological trauma as well. But what else can cause injury?

- Toy Injuries are caused by improper use of sex toys. Common injuries include ruptured cervix, torn vaginal walls, ruptured anus, uterine injuries, etc.

- Gynecological disease can be caused by a number of things. It can be in the form of a sexually transmitted disease/infection or other infections. Serious diseases often require surgical treatment, which can take a long time to heal from both physically and emotionally.

- Severe falls can cause, on rare occasions, conditions such as prolapsed uterus. This is a painful condition made worse by the necessity of surgery to repair the injury.

- Vascular Injury often occurs either with other injuries as result of trauma, or accidentally during gynecological surgery. This can cause heavy internal bleeding, and often require futher surgery to repair.

- Blunt Force trauma to the abdomen can cause injury to the uterus and other reproductive organs, causing pain and bleeding and sometimes requiring medical intervention.

- A difficult pregnancy and labor can cause trauma to the uterus and vagina in rare cases. This includes cases in which a c-section must be performed.

- Cancer, Spontaneous Hemorrhage, and other conditions classified as medically spontaneous can be very painful and difficult to handle, as well as emotionally and psychologically taxing.

As mentioned before, rape can cause both physical and psychological trauma for both men and women. Other causes of emotional and psychological trauma include:

- Past abuse

- Recent gynecological surgery or other medical procedures performed on the genital area

- Previous and current gender identity issues in one or both of the partners

- Cancer recovery

- Past or current appearance-based bullying

- Past or current issues with sexual performance (It really is a vicious cycle)

- Problems with reaching orgasm for one or another reason (Again, it's a vicious cycle)

- Discovery of a past romantic affair

- Past or current verbal sexual harassment and assault (Verbal assault is a real thing, and it is a crime.)

- Previous pain during sex, leading to a fear of experiencing further pain.

- Previous injury or illness

- Post-Partum Depression (Depression experienced after giving birth to a child, caused by rapid hormonal changes.)

- History of physical or sexual abuse of any kind often makes sexual contact difficult for many women (And for men too, but as mentioned earlier this article focuses on women.)

It can be difficult to be sexually intimate with someone who is going through a rough time. Whether the injury is physical, emotional, or psychological, it is important to remember some basic tips.

- Start slowly. begin with non-sexual intimacy, hugging, cuddling, light caressing of the body. A romantic meal followed by a movie, and a bath or shower together. Whether it leads to sexual intimacy or not, you will both enjoy the time together. Take it slow.

- Avoid alcohol the first few times. While alcohol will make you both feel amorous, and loosen your inhibitions, it also may make you less aware of how rough you are handling your partner. If you aren't fully capable of being as gentle as possible, then you run the risk of aggravating an injury or causing pain. Furthermore, having alcohol in your system can make it harder, perhaps even impossible, to reach orgasm. This really doesn't help if you are trying to establish intimacy after trauma!

- Don't re-establish sexual intimacy until the doctor gives you the OK if you or your partner are recovering from a physical injury. If you start having sex too early, you can aggravate existing injuries or cause new ones, leading to more trauma and perhaps ruining your sex life.

- Be very careful when using sex toys. I mean it. it's no fun to have to stop being intimate because your favourite toy has harmed you or your partner, and it sucks even more if the same thing happens AGAIN the first time you have sex after recovering! Be gentle, and if it hurts, then for God's sake STOP! I can vouch for this one from experience.

- If the trauma was rape, past abuse, etc., then it is important to make your partner feel secure and loved, and let her know that you will not hurt her. Be gentle and loving and stop if she says stop. Deal with emotional issues first...this may mean that you have to take her to counseling, and it may even require couple's counseling. GO. it's better in the long run.

- Go out of your way to make things romantic. Don't have hot wild monkey sex the first time around, you'll push your partner even further away. Make it slow, romantic, intimate. Be gentle and caring. Use candles, and bubble bath. Buy a nice-smelling massage oil and use it. Put on some romantic, sexy music. Go out of your way to make this about your partner.

- If there has been a physical injury or a recent medical procedure, then use a condom. This is not necessarily for birth control, though it ain't smart to get her pregnant right after an injury. This goes for people who use toys in their sexual activity, including those who exclusively use toys. The condom is there to keep germs out of any wounds that may still be healing. If one of you is allergic to latex, use a non-latex condom. It's for hygienic reasons, and I promise, it's important.

- Follow any and all suggestions your doctor gives you about sexual intimacy after physical injury or medical procedures. Your doctor knows what is best and is interested in keeping both of you healthy. They don't like seeing patients come back right after having a procedure done, unless it's for a follow-up appointment.

I hope you have learned something from some of these suggestions. Now, go out there and have a romantic evening with the one you love.